How to Have Peace with the In-laws

Parashat Yitro, Exodus 18:1–20:23

Matt Absolon, Beth T’filah, Miramar, FL 

Moses went out to meet his father-in-law and bowed down and kissed him. And they asked each other of their welfare and went into the tent. Then Moses told his father-in-law all that the Lord had done to Pharaoh and to the Egyptians for Israel's sake, all the hardship that had come upon them in the way, and how the Lord had delivered them. And Jethro rejoiced for all the good that the Lord had done to Israel, in that he had delivered them out of the hand of the Egyptians. (Exodus 18:79)

Much of the biblical text is spent recounting the pitfalls and bad relationships that serve as examples of what not to do in our connections with each other. This week's portion gives us a welcome respite from that trend in showcasing the relationship between Moses and his father-in-law, Jethro. In the catalogue of family relationships that are notorious for being contentious, the “in-laws” take a special place at the top of the page. Regardless of this tendency, Moses and Jethro’s relationship shared a special intimacy, one that echoes down to the modern-day friendship between Israel and the Druze peoples.

What lessons might we learn from Moses and Jethro that can help us navigate our in-law relationships today?

 As a first impression, we see that Moses maintains deep respect for Jethro. He “bowed down and kissed him.” Moses keeps himself humble before Jethro and pays respect to both the man and the position of father-in-law. When navigating relationships, it is often helpful for us to differentiate between the person and the title they hold. When we honor our in-laws, we honor the position they hold, not just the person. This distinction helps us overlook dissimilarities in personality and allows us to honor our in-laws for who they are.

In following Moses' honor towards Jethro, we read, “they asked each other of their welfare and went into the tent.” It becomes evident that Moses and Jethro genuinely care for each other. Naturally we lean towards the concern and welfare of our immediate parents and might be inclined to make negotiated concessions for our in-laws. However, we see that Moses and Jethro share a deep concern for the welfare of each other. Sometimes in the bustle of life, marriage, and children, we forget that we are not the only concern in the life of our in-laws. Oftentimes the children-in-law expect care and concern to flow down to them while overlooking the duty they have to direct care and concern upwards to the parents-in-law. The grandchildren might be the focus, but the in-laws are also people with cares and concerns beyond just the children. Moses displays this mutual concern in the way he cares for Jethro.

In the next verse we capture a glimpse of Jethro’s character trait of good will. “And Jethro rejoiced for all the good that the Lord had done to Israel” (18:9). Jethro was cheering for Moses’s success. The wellbeing of the family ought to be expressed in both words and deeds. Jethro verbalized his support and encouragement to Moses, after all the difficulties that Moses had endured. Before Jethro offered Moses advice, he showed him that he was for Moses and his success.

If we can imagine for a moment the overwhelming situation that Jethro found before him, it would have been understandable for him to take a skeptical approach. In this hypothetical setting, Jethro could have logically asked the following:

What are you thinking that you will lead two million people into the desert?!

Burning bushes and sticks to snakes, what has gotten into you?!

Moses, are you sure this is God's plan for your life?!

This was not the deal when you married Zipporah!

Instead of being the sceptic, Jethro validates the pain and hardships that Moses has endured, and is presently carrying, in fulfilling God's will in his life. Despite the obvious ways in which God's calling will impact Moses and his marriage to Zipporah, Jethro was supportive of God's calling in Moses’s life.

After Jethro shows his steadfast support for God's work in Moses' life, he then displays his care by offering reasoned critique with well-thought-out solutions. “What you are doing is not good. . . . You are not able to do it alone. . . . I will give you advice, and God be with you!” (Exod 18:17-19). Jethro did not fall into the trap of offering biting critique without a solution. It seems to me that Jethro spent time pondering Moses’s predicament before he decided to critique him. Jethro exemplified true care in his readiness to work through the problem, enhancing Moses’s well-being, and allowing him more time to be with his children. Jethro was committed to the health of his grandchildren by offering tangible support to his son in-law. 

Finally, “Moses let his father-in-law depart, and he went away to his own country” (18:27). Moses and Jethro understood the need for personal space. They understood that, although we share common values which will align us towards common goals, yet God has an individual purpose for us all. They demonstrated that we bring strength to the family as we walk in harmony side by side, but not too close, leaving space for each other’s individual privacy. 

In the final analysis, the respect and affection that Moses and Jethro shared continues to bear fruit to this day. Today, the Druze Israelis honor Jethro, Moses' father in-law, as their forefather and founder of their faith. This relationship between Jethro and Moses has given us their patriotism as fellow Israelis living and fighting beside the Jewish people to establish Eretz Israel as a land of peace and prosperity. Their love and devotion to the Jewish people is recorded as far back as the 12th century, when Jewish traveler Benjamin of Tudela commented on the Druze in his diary that they were “mountain dwellers, monotheists who . . . love the Jews” (Mordechai D. Nisan, Minorities in the Middle East: a history of struggle and self-expression). We both honor our family connection and, although we walk in harmony, we both make space for each other’s privacy. 

Truly, peace in the home is a righteous goal. The example we find in Moses and Jethro offers us some guidelines to work towards that goal. Their example offers us the hope that when we build genuine love and peace between the in-laws, the blessing is for us and for the generations to come.

God Bless you all and a warm Shabbat Shalom. 

Russ Resnik